Monday, April 26, 2010

Horoscope, Week of April 23

Horoscope, Week of April 23 by Jane Cassady

Taurus: This is your month, happy birthday! Make not just a birthday wish list but a birthday bracket—folks around the office can bet whether “learn to cook” will beat out “new computer” to go on to play ”A pretty girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever.” Then fold it up and place it in a box marked “Things to Be Worked Out Later By Unseen Forces.” Wait.

Gemini: You are just plain awesome. Your garden is the most biodiverse on the block. Your handwriting is perfect. You always write back to your pen pals right away. People are always asking for your recipes at parties. Come August, your tomatoes will be the most succulent. Gemini FTW.

Cancer: In front of you at the Interactive Inlet is a pool of baby tiger sharks swimming in circles. You can touch them if you want to. There's a man whose whole job it is to remind you to be gentle. Remember to roll up your sleeves.

Leo: Practice existing this week: make appointments and keep them, paint a monumental painting of your signature, worry a little about your teeth. Pretend everything starts with the sound of your alarm clock, ends with your own pajamaed sleep.

Virgo: People disparage chick-lit, probably with good reason, but I guess I'm a chick because sometimes nothing else will settle my skin. Ah, ladies in stories having fun. What are your lighthearted taboos? What settles your fizzing bones but sure doesn't impress anybody? Do that.

Libra: Georges Braque said “You can't always be carrying your hat; this is why they invented the hatrack. Personally, I discovered painting so that I could hang my obsessions on a nail.” Hang your hat on something new this week, Libra, or better yet, make a new hat.

Scorpio: If you were a candy, what would you be? The beautiful post-racial harmony of Caramel Creams? Are you like Fruit Stripe Gum, fun to look at, but losing flavor almost immediately? Admit it, are you a sour-patch kid? Time to go down to the old-fashioned general store and try out some new flavors. How about root beer barrels or sarsaparilla?

Sagittarius: Girls with straight hair always wish they had curly and vice-versa. It's how we keep the sisterhood together. Crack open the oyster of envy and see what's in there—maybe a seed pearl, maybe just sand and guts.

Capricorn: My mom used to forbid the buying of silk flowers: tacky. My dad said you can't start the inside of a jigsaw puzzle until you've finished the edges. I held these as gospel truths until just recently, at 35. Breaking them both was a rebellious thrill. Break some arbitrary rules this week, Capricorn. See you in the flower aisle.

Aquarius: Consider the miracle that is the Mummer's Parade. Thousands of unioners working all year to perfect their feathers, strut, and makeup. A lot of engineering goes into those fancies, too—why do they do this? Start stockpiling your feathers, Aquarius, and learn about scaffolding.

Pisces: Flash bulbs on aquarium-glass make it hard to see the jellyfish inside. Watch the tank like a movie. Drift with the sting-rays, bounce like anemones. (With friends like this, who needs anemones?) Keep running away from the sting of tentacles. Remember which way is up.

Aries: My pal Maleka sent me an interview with Erykah Badu. It ends with Ms. Badu saying this: “We're saving up together, um, Bjork and I, to buy a hovercraft, so we can get the hell outa here and go back to our planet.” You have friends like this, lucky you. Find some more and pool your hovercraft money, but please stay.

No comments: