Friday, May 14, 2010

This Week's Horoscope: The Stars Made You a Mix Tape

Poetic Horoscopes by Jane Cassady

Taurus: “Time to Pretend” (MGMT) Let's envision your rockstar future, without the Behind the Music ending. There won't be any backstage-heartbreak, just you and your guitar collection, just you and your high-maintenance riders, you and your screaming legions of fans.

Gemini: “Everything is Everything” (Lauryn Hill) Last summer I was working in a summer camp where there were a lot of stupid tensions between the adults, but every time we put on “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill,” we turned into a smiling utopian lovefest. You can do that. This week, be like Lauryn and “Develop a negative into a positive picture.”

Cancer: “Fireflies” (Owl City) The Cancer of the Week is my nephew Kieran. Sometimes a song just works its way in. Last Thanksgiving, my brother played this song on his phone and my niece and three nephews (ages 4-7) gathered round and sang it. “I'd like a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs.” Just try not to like a song after that. Some things, like little kids voices, are just perfect, sincere, and sweet.

Leo: “Hallelujah” (cover version, Jeff Buckley) When I lived in Laguna Beach, I used to walk home at night through Laguna Canyon singing this song at the top of my lungs, hoping no one would hear but not really caring that much if they did. Do something loud and self-indulgent, Leo. Let your voice echo in the canyon, off the kitchen walls, under highway overpasses, anywhere.

Virgo: “Handle With Care” (cover version, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins feat. Conner Oberst and Ben Gibbard) “Everybody's/got somebody/ to lean on/put your body/next to mine/and dream on.” Snuggle up this week to someone and something that makes you feel wrapped in blankets, brought tea, and patted on the head. You've “Still got some love to give.”

Libra: “To all the Girls” (Wyclef Jean) Wyclef says: “To all the girls I've cheated on before/it's a new year/I got a new change of gear/I swear. I can see clear now the clouds disappear.” Time to start over, start fresh. Talk yourself out of some stuff, and move on to your next pretty.

Scorpio: “Hurt Feelings” (Flight of the Conchordes) Did someone come over to dinner and forget to compliment your casserole? Did your friends ditch you to go into town? Write an awesome rap about it, or paint a painting, or make an origami of your squished-up heart.

Sagittarius: “Our House” (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) One of my favorite Saggitari is getting married this week, so this one's for her. Some days, may your narrative be so uneventful as to include putting flowers in a vase as a plot point. May you enjoy sweet harmonious peace with your family. “I'll light the fire.”

Capricorn: “Lollipop” (Mika) Your life is the happiest pop song I know. Sometimes I drive fast to it and bounce around, shake my head and belt it out like a ninny. “Suck too hard on a lollipop, yeah, love is gonna get you down,” says Mika. I have NO IDEA what that means, but I really, really like it.

Aquarius: “Paparazzi” (Lady Gaga) To your friends, you're already totally famous. Get your glossy headshots ready for some autographs, reach past the velvet rope and touch some hands. When you drop by your fan club, they might seem calm, but trust me, in their heads, they're like those girls from the Beatles footage, just bonkers. Walk around with a glow like everybody's looking.

Pisces: “If I Knew You Were Coming I'd've Baked a Cake” (Eileen Barton and the New Yorkers) Not only does this song contain my favorite contraction of all time (I'd've!), but it's a harbinger of every sweet sticky thing that's coming your way. Whatever you're waiting for, bake it a cake, write it a lovenote in glitter-gel frosting. It's coming.

Aries: “Don't Look Back” (She and Him) From what I can tell, your life is pretty similar to Zooey Deschanel's, as depicted in her cotton commercial. Make it moreso: adorably arrange sticky notes on a piano, lovingly pat furniture at flea markets, go everywhere with a half-smile. You can invite me over to have tea and try on vintage dresses.

No comments: