Poetic Horoscopes by Jane Cassady
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Taurus: In the song “The Lusty Month of May” from the Camelot musical, we are advised to participate in all kinds of untoward activities, both “Proper and im-” I recently attended a Beltane celebration at which we sang that song before making a wish and jumping over a fire. I interrupted the ceremony by saying, “Wow, this is actually really good advice!” There you have it Taurus, it's “blissfully astray” for you.
Gemini: Today I was cooking up some schemes with a (handsome!) Gemini co-conspirator. Once we were done talking about the summer calendar, I said to him “Wow, we sure are busy for two people who don't have jobs.” This week, indulge in some activities usually reserved for the unemployed: contemplate the insides of Tastykakes, map out the topography of your couch, save up for a token and ride a bus to an exciting new stroll. Set arbitrary distances and walk them, maybe with somebody nice.
Cancer: (Spoiler Alert) There aren't many Lost characters left. Was Jack always meant to be the Lighthouse Keeper? Will anyone ever escape? Is the parallel-time realm the real one? (Geez I hope so—less of a body count.) Would you rather be enlightened and healed on an island, or here in the world with a bedraggled soul? Would you marry the Lighthouse Keeper? Also: Is the island on Lost the same as the Hellmouth on Buffy? Discuss.
Leo: Leo, you're rich, and not just because you haven't checked that Powerball slip in your pocket yet. You have million-dollar landscapes in your heart. You have an alphabet of gemstones. You have a library of rare meltdowns, a sea of sweet cream compliments. You are the king/queen/whatever of a vast empire of sticky notes. I'd marry you for your money.
Virgo: I woke up this morning thinking about a fellow Virgo, my first serious love, whose birthday is the day before mine. Mike Sumner was a grunge-era heartthrob, complete with long, fluffy brown hair and green Dr. Martens. Our love affair was conducted mainly at Six Flags Great Adventure. I can still hear him singing Rage Against the Machine on that space shuttle thing that goes upside down. (“Now you do what they toldya.”) It was real, but just as much a period piece as that movie The Wackness, and as we know, the dopeness far outweighs the wackness.
Libra: A year or so after we'd broken up, said heartthrob sent me the most beautiful mix tape which included “I Wanna Be Adored” by The Stone Roses, a rare Jane's Addiction track I haven't heard since, and “Thinking About You” by Radiohead. (Wow! Radiohead's been around for a while!) Anyway, I had a terrible roommate named Megan who taped over that mix tape. She recorded herself and her friends getting high and calling the kittens by racial epithets. Is there anything you've lost in such a stupid way?
Scorpio: Take the Implicit Association Test, that psych experiment from Blink. It demonstrates that everyone has biases whether we want to or not, or, in the words of Avenue Q: “Everyone's a little bit racist.” The good news, says Malcolm Gladwell, is that you can do the tests/experiments again and again, and maybe improve your score. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/takeatest.html
Sagittarius: At what point do we learn to make fun of love, sincerity, vulnerability? Did we learn it from TV? Or hipsters? Let's bathe in a pudding of sweet sentiment, bury ourselves in a paradigm of roses, talk about the sweet smushed blossoms of ourselves. And if anyone barfs? That's their problem.
Capricorn: The musician Zefrank got a request from a frazzled woman who asked him to write her a song to calm down by. He asked listeners to contribute recordings of their voices singing “Hey, you're okay, you'll be fine, just breathe.” He mixed everyone's voices into harmony, and presented the woman with the resulting song: http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/ She felt better.
Aquarius: I wish I had more exciting news for you, Aquarius, but this is your week for domestic Zen. Have supper in bed with the perfect book. Plan a date with the dishes. Catch up on your Scrabble. Sweep the dust mice out from under the stove. I promise you more thrills next week.
Pisces: Practice believing compliments. Copy them down. Sing them to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat. (That's how little kids memorize their sight words.)Make an email folder called “I Am Cool” and file every nice note you get in there.
Aries: I used to have a shirt with a line from a Buzzy Ennis poem on it. It said “Tell Me I Am Beautiful.” If I could, I would send it to you to wear because, let me tell you, that shirt works. Practice effusive self-narration this week, Pisces. You ARE beautiful.
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