Poetic Horoscopes by Jane Cassady
Gemini: Last weekend, my mom and stepdad drove down from upstate New York with a van full of plants for us—iris bulbs, rootable mums, calendula, a clump of daisies, wads of vincas for the shady areas, and best of all, a Carefree Delight rosebush. All I had to do was ask, and now we're rich with flowers.
Cancer: One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from Mindy Nettifee, who suggested bringing pillows with us to the beach. Get thee to an ocean. Lay down your bedding. Call to mind that thing you've been obsessing about and think about it to your heart's content. Let it unspool to the sound of the waves.
Leo: My Aunt Connie told me about this diet book called something like How to Eat Like a Thin Person. She said that “genetically hungry people like us” wouldn't gain weight if we only ate what we really craved. She said “Maybe I've always been hungry because I didn't get a piece of this one baked Alaska in 1968.” I resolved immediately to 1. Apply the same concept to time-management. And 2. Learn to make baked Alaska.
Virgo: Gretchen Reuben started The Happiness Project because she realized that her life is pretty great and she wanted to appreciate it more. Your horoscopist is starting one for the same reason, but also so she won't have to go on anti-depressants. Make a list of five things that will REALLY make you happy, and then do them.
Libra: You are like the section of every teacher catalog where you can order trophies and certificates in bulk. You're dozens of knickknacks that say “We're # 1!” Place your order, have your name engraved on each one, enjoy.
Scorpio: When everyone else is consulting their phones to see if the clouds that have gathered above the beach will mean a thunderstorm, you're setting up your chair under an umbrella, wrapping yourself in a warm towel, and falling in love with the gray horizon.
Sagittarius: The book Love Letters from God makes a nice friend. I like to open it every morning to learn about poets' ecstatic love affairs with the Divine. I've resolved to be less aloof from the Divine, but I'm not sure how I'll know when I've succeeded. Will I be a love-drunk dervish when all is said and done?
Capricorn: The other day on the bus, I saw a man get on who'd tied a miniature purple Christmas ornament to what I thought was his belt. I wish my eyes hadn't followed the string, but they did and I saw that it was tied to his own, er, miniature ornament. Buy your eyeballs something beautiful to make up for all of the things you never wanted to see, but did.
Aquarius: It's your first week in a new home. Unpack all of your boxes as if they were all full of very fragile keepsakes. Look at your light refracting in the glass of your possessions. Paint the walls the color of your radiant eyes. This is your own beautiful life.
Pisces: Go to a used bookstore, if there is such a thing where you live. Breathe in the dust. Find the narrowest aisle and fight claustrophobia. Reach up to the highest shelf and pull down a book. Open it to a random page. It'll tell you what you should do.
Aries: My favorite Aries is my dad. A little over a year ago, he retired from his job managing a convenience store to pursue his dream as a standup comedian. Do something similarly brave and humorous, Aries. I'm cheering you on. If you need a good laugher in the audience, I'll be there every time.
Taurus: My wonderful friend Marcia Cohee used to live by a stream where egrets sometimes landed. She gauged he luck each day by haw many were there: a three-egret day was very lucky, she said. I think you can do this with any kind of bird, or better yet, hydrangea petals.
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